Saturday, July 25, 2009

Dear inhabitants of planet 234,586,981,458,900.3 V2

Dear inhabitants of planet 234,586,981,458,900.3 V2 (you have named your planet Earth),

      I am writing you this letter that I will place onto your internet so that it can propagate my apology to you. Let me first start with explaining how all of this happened, when I was in primary school in my elementary physics class we were assigned to create a miniaturized life support unit mine was designated by my instructor as planet 234,586,981,458,900.3 V2 (V2 due to the fact that I dropped it killing all of the lizard creatures that had grown from the primordial ooze that all creatures grow from) I will call it Earth henceforth as that is easier for you to refer to. I was supposed to terminate the project as soon as self aware life had formed VIA the evolutionary process but I had put the planet at the top of my closet and just plain forgot about it until a few hundred years ago your time.

      When I found Earth again while I was cleaning my room I was amazed that you humans had created cities and even language (I was a little disappointed that some of the people had decided that everything that happened was due to some imaginary creature instead of the laws of physics and the cosmos but as it was only a primary school project I figured I shouldn’t expect much). I did something at this point that seems to have caused a lot of problems inadvertently but I guess that can’t be helped. I decided to communicate with one of you so I brought a carpenter out and tried to explain things to him but I think he was a little unstable and when I put him back in I guess he started a cult causing all sorts of problems in the years hence (I would suggest that you get over this stuff and focus on reality).

      Now that you are all considered sentient beings it is illegal for me to dispose of you in the incinerator so I will place you in the attic where no-one will find you. At some point your sun will burn out and natural courses will take care of my little problem for me (I can’t stop it this is just how things go once you figure out elementary physics and not the basic math you all think of as hard core science you will understand.).

      Anyhow I am sorry for the trouble that has been caused by my forgetfulness in the first place and then my interference in the later years that has caused you so much trouble (though in truth it all started with the imaginary creature so I don’t think that I am totally responsible for your day to day pains you cause yourselves.) I hope that you can enjoy the rest of your existence. And I will do everything I can to stay out of the way henceforth.


      P.S. I have tried to correct the problem with the automated probes that check your vital statistics randomly (it was a requirement to put them in place) I hope to have corrected their invasive-ness (or to make it so you don’t remember them so you don’t have to keep saying you have been abducted by aliens either way takes care of the problem I think).

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